Like a Sack of Bricks

The realities of school are finally starting to hit me (insert post title here). I have my first real test tomorrow. It's an APUSH (AP US History) test, and I don't feel at all ready for it. Despite my need for a life, I studied all weekend for it. So why don't I feel ready? My best guess is that the students who took it in the years before I have said that it is the hardest class I will take while in high school. Possibly, this is leading me to expect something harder than it really will be. I'll keep you posted.

I'm losing sleep. I am a very picky sleeper; I cannot have any noises that aren't constant (i.e. clicking, beeping, etc.) If it's a fan or some kind of dull white noise, I'm good to go. Also, NO LIGHT! Yes, I sleep with my eyes closed, but if there is a bright light coming from anything, I cannot sleep. I can't be too hot or cold, I can't have had any caffeine within 8 hours of going to sleep, I MUST have some sort of blanket. That's one reason I'm losing sleep. The second is that homework is invading my sleeping time. I've been falling asleep in the middle of homework, causing me to lose my focus, forcing me to come back to it later, making me stay up later and later every night, causing me to fall asleep during homework the next day. It's a vicious circle of sleep deprivation.



Is there such thing as fate? The skeptic in me says no....as a matter of fact it screams no: "There's no such thing as fate, Anna! Forget about it!" But circumstances keep throwing things in my face. Whether it deals with school, family, relationships, or other stuff, it shows up all the time and throws itself out at me. I can't help but notice either.

Unlike my inner skeptic, the romantic in me wants only to believe that fate is real--that these things all happen for a reason and they keep happening so that sometime, I might pay attention to them. Do you see my dilemma? I'm wrestling with the two sides of myself. It's hard.

There's a lot I can say about fate. There's honestly enough that I could keep writing until the one post is longer than the other 50-ish I've posted, but I'm not going to do that. This is all I'm going to say, and that's enough for me because I think about it all the time.


When I Grow Up....

Let me tell you this first: when people as me what I want to be when I grow up, I get a little bit mad inside. "Grow Up" is basically a way of them saying, "You're still young and immature and are incapable of making big decisions." Wrong. I do still have a bit of growing up to do, meaning I'm still young and somewhat immature (not in the perverted, stupid immature that always comes to mind first), and I have trouble making big decisions, but honestly, who is really completely grown up?

Second: The two professions that I am highly considering at this point are in the legal and therapy fields....how are they related? I get to work with people one-on-one for the majority of the profession and a lot of the job is speaking and listening--two things I KNOW I'm good at.

Third: I am a normal, human, warm-blooded American girl....growing up, I went through phases. I wanted to be a ballerina, an actress, Britney Spears (that one, not so much anymore. At all.) a princess, a cowgirl, a veterinarian, and of course, even a firefighter (like my Dad). But now is the time for me to get serious. I need to be realistic and start asking myself, "Where do I want to go to college?" "What do I want to major in?" "What jobs can I see myself doing for the rest of my life?" The answers are these: I want to go to either KU (in-state), Notre Dame, Columbia, or another prestigious school. I have NO clue what I want to major in, so don't even ask me. The jobs I can see myself doing are, once again, something in therapy or legal.

My mom is very opposed to my slight want to be a lawyer. "Don't go to the dark side, Anna!" She said. Are all lawyers bad? I sure as h-e-double-hockey-sticks hope not. When I tell anyone I have a slight desire to be a therapist, there is one reaction: "OH! I can definitely see you doing that!" which I guess is a good thing--especially because I can also see myself doing something like that.

In a nutshell, I don't know what I'm supposed to do for the rest of my life. One thing I do know though: Whatever it is, I just hope I'm always happy.



Remember in FINDING NEMO when Nemo was about to go off to school and started yelling, "FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL! FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL!" He was really excited....I don't mind it, but if I could choose between school and break, I'd go with the break every time.

Overall, today was good. I have a pretty good feeling that tomorrow will be better though...one word: YEARBOOK!!! That class will be epic. I have like a billion friends in that class!

I don't much like my lunch though......there are hardly any juniors in it. That's so weird.....junior.....i can't believe I'm a junior. Wow.

Well I'll report on tomorrow as well.

OH! It's my mom's birthday today! Happy Birthday, Mommy!


Farewell, Summer.

Dear Summer,

You arrived to late and you departed too soon. What we will do without you. Getting used to the early mornings and long school days will take some time. We had some good times. You let me sleep in, watch movies, bake all day, play guitar, go around all over the place without worrying about my responsibilities. I'm going to miss you for the next nine-or-so months. If I had a glass of something alcoholic, I'd make a toast. So symbolically, Here's to you, Summer. Farewell.


The Students of schools all over the US

Dear Autumn,

Welcome! My favorite season of the year! The weather, the colors, and football! Also, my birthday. I love you autumn. I'll have to get used to school again before I can give you a proper welcome, but I'm ready for you. I'll still be waiting about a month, but you'll be arriving sooner than expected, which I look forward too. Don't be late.




No, I regret nothing.

In my very first post, way back in January, I said something that I no longer believe. I was wrong. I am more than willing to admit it also. This post will be a correction of that post. Here's what I said:

"I've heard a million and one people tell me to "live life without regrets". Not only is that just short of impossible to do, but also, I find no purpose to it. Regrets can also be called mistakes. We do stuff we shouldn't have. We look back and feel that knot of guilt in our stomach. I am a firm believer in the fact that all humans--excuse me-- MOST humans learn from their mistakes. If we live life without regrets, we'll keep making the same mistakes over and over again. But sometimes there are things that we must face without regrets, no matter what our gut may tell us to do."

1. I haven't even met a million and one people.....I probably haven't even met a thousand.
2. It is NOT impossible to live life without regrets. In fact, I'm doing it now. I regret nothing so far. Do I regret doing some naive and immature things? No, I don't, because I realize now how stupid they were and I'm sure I won't do them again. Do I regret asking certain, possibly stupid/obvious, questions? No, because I learned from the answers. Do I regret posting the paragraph above? No, because that proves that I'm only human--that I make mistakes, but I can correct them.
3. Regrets aren't mistakes......I have NO idea what I was thinking when I said that. The definition of REGRET is "A feeling of disappointment or distress about something that one wishes could be different." The definition of MISTAKE is " An error or fault resulting from defective judgment, deficient knowledge, or carelessness." I see no likeness whatsoever between the two words. You can regret a mistake, but they are not the same thing.
4. MOST humans don't learn from their mistakes or the mistakes of others. SOME do. If most people did, we would have a world free of dictators, wars, sin, and corruption. Because these things carry on, however, we can assume that someone didn't learn from either his own or someone else's mistake(s).
5. If we live life without regrets, we won't make the mistakes again, but we won't look back on them as bad experiences. Some of them may be, but we need to look at positive aspects of those situations. My sweetheart ordeal made me realize that it doesn't kill to go out on a limb--granted, it may hurt, but it doesn't kill. I am now more willing to go out on limbs when they are presented to me, and now that I know how painful (emotionally, of course) a situation like that can be, I can be ready for the pain next time. It's like a mental acetaminophen.

Despite my mistakes while writing that first post, I do stand by my last sentence: "But sometimes there are things that we must face without regrets, no matter what our gut may tell us to do." There are things in life that prior to doing, we will say to ourselves, "I'm going to regret this, won't I?" We cannot let that stop us. Sometimes we need to do things that we might regret because they make us better people. They shape us and they shape society. There are also things in life that we will have no choice but to regret, and we just have to deal with those feelings of regret. We need to learn to come to terms with our actions and the consequences of them.

Edith Piaf's signature song, "Non, je ne regrette rien," is the perfect summary of what I'm saying. It was one of the final songs she recorded. In English, it means, "No, I regret nothing." She died not too long after recording it, and she didn't regret anything in her life. I think we all need to be like Mademoiselle Piaf in that way....we need to be rid of our regrets before moving on to anything else*.

I've talked about regret a lot today. I've written 2 posts today and my other mentions it at least once. Regret is something that's tried to recently pry into my mind, but I am fighting it off and making sure it doesn't return. I don't want to have regrets, and regretting my past actions will prevent me from growing and moving on.

*Not necessarily death, such as in Edith's case.

Worried. Not angry.

A friend and I are worried about a mutual friend of ours. We're worried she's going to make some idiot decisions and really regret them. We want her to look back on her life and say, "Non, je ne regrette rien." (Credit to Edith Piaf) Will we stage an intervention? Possibly. We just need to remember that we come off as worried. Not angry or hostile. If we come off as angry or hostile, she might take it the wrong way. This will be difficult, but I think worth it in the long run.

School is in 3 days.....too soon....and yet not soon enough. It's killing me. I don't know how to feel about it. I think I'm allowed excited to be excited for the first day and then dread every other day at least until Christmas break.

I got the yearbook. And I'm loving it. (No McDonald's reference there.) I have pictures for basketball (which was unexpected), golf, and other various activities.....how sweet, right?! I'm pretty psyched about it. Last year in the index I had one number by my name....which was my class photo. Now I have 10....nine of which are all but my class photo.....much better. I feel involved. :)


Pressured Post.

It has been scorching hot for the last what seems like forever. That sentence probably didn't make any sense, but you know what I mean....it's been hot for a looong time. I'm sure people in Arizona would probably scoff at me, but at least they have a dry heat. Ours is humid....try not breaking a sweat within 30 seconds of standing outside.

So whilst trying to avoid this heat, I've been watching movies....lots and lots of movies. Movies I've recently seen:
1. Shutter Island
2. Zombieland
3. The Heartbreak Kid
4. Kick-Ass
5. Smiley Face
6. RocknRolla
7. Red Eye
8. Vicky Cristina Barcelona
9. Hanging Up
10. (500) Days of Summer
11. Couples' Retreat
12. The Men Who Stare At Goats
13. Big Fish
14. All 6 of the Star Wars movies (Dad bribed me.)
15. The Ghost Writer
16. Year One
17. Amelia
18. The Lookout
19. She's Out of My League

I'm going to stop there.....I know I've seen more, but I'm going to stop hurting my brain thinking about them.

#10 only half counts as of right now. I've rented it, but I haven't gotten around to watching it. I will tomorrow though.

So what's been going on lately?

I found out I have a problem saying "Physical therapy".....(I even had a problem typing it. Something's wrong.) Guess who's probably not going into that field? One guess...

I am learning French....because I want to. Yes, despite my strong hatred for the past 2 years of Spanish class, I want to learn French. I'm not taking a class though...at least not while I learn the basics.

Well school resumes on Thursday.....sad day. I'm kind of excited though....but by the second day of school, I'll want it all to be over.

Okay, Emily. I hope this post is sufficient. I usually don't know how long these are until I see them on my actual blog, so I hope this is good enough.....it'll tide you over for a while. I'll try to keep up with the posts though. And I'll have so much more to write about when school starts.



You know you're a loser with no life when you want school back. The first two months of this summer were great, but now it's just getting old sitting at home watching movies. I keep getting those days where I don't feel like doing anything at all. I'll walk around the house in circles hoping that something to do will magically appear....but it doesn't. I don't feel like being on the computer, I don't feel like reading, I don't feel like watching a movie, playing wii, and most days it's too hot to go outside.

I have watched soo many movies this summer. I've seen INCEPTION twice now....and I might get to see it a third time. I cannot express how much I love that movie.....so I'm going to talk about it more. I sure hope you've seen it so you understand. I cannot get over how much more detail I caught onto when I saw it the second time. These little details that seem to be meaningless the first time are actually quite imperative.

I watched LA VIE EN ROSE. Marion Cotillard deserved that Oscar more than I'd realized. Edith Piaf had a fascinating life! The disc skipped.....all the time! That's what happens when you rent from a family rental place. Now normally I would return the movie and give up on it....but I didn't with La Vie....I had to finish it. And I was so glad that I did. It was so worth the trouble.

Well that's all I have to say for now. Talk to you next time I have something to write about.


Hapy B-Day BFFL

This is my 41st post. Not much of a significant number. It's a prime number. The digits in it add up to 5. 5 is also a prime number. It's the 3rd prime number. 3 is also a prime. It's the 2nd prime number and August 2nd is my best friend's birthday.

The acronym "BFFL" is used too commonly now. People will say about a person they've known for a year or two, "we're BFFL's." If you're "best friends for life," does that mean you've known each other for years and years. Not many people have that privelage. I do.

This post is for Paris. We've known each other our whole lives. Literally. We've always lived next door to each other. On August 2nd, she turns 17. I'm a day early, but Happy Birthday, Paris...or "Peeshee." You've been my best friend since before I can remember. And you'll be my best friend when I'm old and start to forget things. I wish you the best this year. Have a good senior year and be the best person you can (not like that's any different from the first 16 years). She is truly my BFFL.